FanUnity B(uzz)log

Ice Cube is generally a pretty entertaining actor to watch. He has oodles of screen presence, he's funny and he's easy to buy into as an action star. But you could put even the greatest of them all, Charlton Heston, into the piece of tripe that is "xXx: State Of The Union" and it would still be a moldy turd.

"xXx: State Of The Union" is a ridiculous film, but not in a comedic way. It is also a sequel to the very fun "xXx" but totally disrespects that film by flashing a news bulletin early on that Xander Cage (Vin Diesel's character) went out like a punk. Then it tries to build up its credibility by talking up how this new xXx is so much badder and harder than Cage. This is kind of like someone you are meeting for the first time talking crap about a person that you know and like, and bragging on how much better they are than that person. It's not really going to win you over. Rather, you're inclined to think they are an a-hole. In "xXx: State Of The Union"'s case, it's more like the product of an a-hole.

Ice Cube plays a cliche gansta straight out of Compton, not exactly the freshest of roles for him. Along the way he meets other cliches - Angry-Baddassed-Samuel L. Jackson (who granted was a cliche in the first film, but that was good, so we cared little), Nerdy-White-Assistant-Who-Tries-To-Talk-Street-And-Looks-Like-An-Ass, Double-Crossing-White-Vixen, Evil-Doing-Renegade-Played-By-Willem-Dafoe, Street-Gang-With-Heart-Of-Gold-Who-Saves-The-Day-Through-Skills-Honed-By-Years-Of-Larceny and Bodacious-Old-Flame-From-The-Hood (played by the smokin'-hot-but-bad-acting Nona Gaye). In a shocking turn of events, the FBI team that tracks him for the first part of the film is played by a bunch of dudes who look like they stepped out of a Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. Not really a cliche … but the main one is named Kyle Steele, I'm guessing because Lex Steele was already taken. Personally, if I were naming an action movie character something Steel(e) I'd name them Dirk Steel, which is way cooler. Dirk Steel would have a partner in crime named Duke Irons, and they'd kick major ass. I'm telling you, I should write "xXx 3: Crucible Of Maximum Intensity." It couldn't be worse than this multi-million dollar pile of manure.

Is there anything redeeming about "xXx: State Of The Union", you ask? If pushed for positives, I would have to point out things like it is neither an Al Qaeda training tape, a snuff film nor German Porn. Watching it did not make my eyes bleed in a literal sense, nor did I at anytime breakdown into a convulsion brought on by flashing lights or the voice of Mary Hart. It is simply the type of movie where you find yourself contemplating things like the fact that every second you are thinking this very thought you are one second closer to death. To be a completest, I will finish of this paragraph like those that came before it with a fecal reference: this is a shart of a film; not even worthy of full-blown poop status; accidentally and haphazardly squirted out; humiliating its creator and disgustingly staining its canvas until its final particles fade away.

0/5 Stars.